Coping with loss.

The first time I remember feeling a hard loss I was maybe 10 years old.  My mom had accidentally run over my cat and he unfortunately didn't make it.  I physically hurt from the pain and couldn't stop my tears from flowing.  Maybe that is the thing about pets...their deaths help us how to learn how to cope with unthinkable losses later in life. 

The early birth of Anders has opened my heart to hurt that I didn't know possible.  In those early weeks, I would lie in bed sobbing as my husband struggled to comfort me.  Although our son was alive, my heart has never hurt worse than it did at that time.  As time passed, Philip and I wanted to tuck the hardships of the past year in the back of our memory.  We decided that it was the right time for another child.  This time, we would have the perfect pregnancy.  We would welcome a healthy baby into our family full term.  We would snuggle with a cordless baby who was able to breast and bottle feed. No occupational therapy.  No physical therapy.  No specialists.  No calls in the middle of the night informing us that our 1 pound baby needed another blood transfusion.

We ended up getting pregnant last October.  Because I had had two premature babies, I was referred to a specialist in Lincoln.  They started seeing me every other week to make sure that things were progressing as they should.  And they were...like I said, I was so determined for my body to be normal.  I got to see my baby each time I went as they always did ultrasounds.  It was so magical watching my child grow from a tiny little pea to a little person.

I got really sick at the beginning of December.  When the bleeding started, I knew that it was just a matter of time.

On Christmas eve, I learned that I had miscarried.  We ended up getting a D&C procedure scheduled for that same day by one of the nicest doctors I have ever met. (I mean, really, who wants to work late on Christmas?!)  Philip and I spent Christmas in the hospital mourning the loss of our baby when the pregnancy ended at 14 weeks.

I cannot say that I coped well with the loss.  I spent the next several months stuck in a fog.

Although I am still sad as we get closer to what would have been our due date (June 22), I am doing okay.  Quinn warms my heart each and every day with the cute and funny things that he says.  His impeccable memory is so impressing...he is able to recall detailed events from nearly a year ago! And Anders...I do not have words for how amazing it has been to watch his progress every day at Monroe-Meyer. Plus he is just so darn happy!

The loss of a pregnancy is always unspeakably hard, but here the thing: I have two beautiful boys whom I love dearly.  I know exactly what I lost on December 24th.

To all the women (and men) who have suffered a miscarriage:  I know how broken your hearts are.

And to all the parents out there: I know how full your hearts are.

This is real life.  There is loss.  But the love is so big.