Finding a lost confidence.

I have no idea what you think of me.  And it probably shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does. 

My confidence has left a lot to be desired in the past couple of years.  We've all heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This is not true.  Harsh words can burn us to the core and can be incredibly difficult to recover from.  After I have been screamed and yelled at over and over, told that "I'm the worst thing to ever happen to this family" and that "I'm a nothing, a nobody",  I have felt myself get smaller and begin to sink.  I found myself very sad.  Then add an incredibly premature and sick baby, and I began to think I might be a lost cause.  I started to think horrible things and found myself in a depression that seemed impossible to shake.  I understood that Anders would grow.  He would overcome his health issues.  That would happen.  But I just couldn't picture how my life was going to be okay with the emotional abuse that would not stop.

So where do you go from there? Is it really true that once you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up?  I wasn't sure (I'm still not), but I couldn't let myself find out.  I am too important.  I am important to my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my teammates, my students, and my co-workers.  I have worked so hard in my profession to do the best I can.  I have worked
equally hard in athletics. 

I didn't know it at the time, but the first step to healing was putting my hurt into my running.  Maybe it was a metaphor...if I could feel the pain of running, the pain in my life seemed to make a little more sense.  And accomplishing new feats in the athletic world seemed to help a bit.  I kept saying to myself, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."  Yes, I was going to be tough.

I start to train for Ironman Florida next week.  2.4 mile swim.  112 mile bike. 26.2 mile run.  I am really doubting myself because it seems like such an impossible feat.  Am I physically strong enough? Am I committed enough? Am I tough enough? 

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Yes, I am going to be tough.

It's go time.